...when you've had enough.

I wasn't sure what to title this post, but do you guys remember the Jodi Arias case?

While it was going on, I became obsessed with staying up-to-date on everything the media uncovered. I wanted to know her motivations. I wanted to understand the reasoning behind her plot to drive to another state to visit, sleep with, and kill her ex-boyfriend.  I wanted to know how a person could be pushed to comit murder, mainly because I felt myself going through just that sort of situation. At the time I had been in an abusive relationship, on and off for over 5 years, and I could see myself being victim, but more so, I could see myself exploding.

02/27/2013 1032pm

Ok I just thought of this idea for a book.. how the normal person becomes a killer: the psycho’s perspective.

I came up with this because.. now hear me out:

I’ve been really kind of obsessed with this whole Jodi Arias scandal. I’ve been riding the coattails on a pretty gruesome expedition that started with the discovery of that body in the water tower of the Cecil Hotel in LA. I began to look into the haunted history of that particular hotel, and more like it. That led me to the actual crimes that occurred. That branched into crimes of passion specifically.

Now since this case is currently happening, I’m following it minute to minute - getting the same view of Jodi as the judge and jury are getting. But what I see in her is also myself. Not because I could ever be so callous and careless with another human life, but because I can easily put myself in the logical reality that she is putting out there.

I see a girl that was potentially abused as a child, verbally and physically (perhaps sexually .) She was already traumatized and somehow didn’t really learn how to love or be loved. She was only ever shown pain and anger; and she was only ever taught to be submissive.

In comes this good-looking religious man, which appears to be relatively successful (his house looked nice in the crime scene photos (aside from the blood)) - she was damaged and saw a man she could “love”; so she loved him the only way she knew how. She put herself in a submissive position - and he wasn’t even the kind of man to put her there in the first place --- but she pushed him there just as much. She didn’t realize what she was doing.

I would have to write this first person since just writing this now makes me want to roll my eyes. (actual eye roll happened just before the break in paragraph occurred)*

I’m having a hard time putting myself all there... her mind isn’t like mine. She rationalized, and she manipulated HERSELF.

i needed his car - i didn’t know how to ask him, but I know what would make him say yes.. so i played up the pet names and baby talk, and i made sure to call him the best once he said yes.

It’s really hard for me to rationalize it with my brain. I’m overly analytical and emotional about these kinds of things -- I came from an abusive household so I can sorta see how that can turn you into an abuser. I am aware of this so I actively stop it -- she seems like she’s not. Or maybe she’s a sociopath and she just does not care. I believe she’s lying about the events but I don’t think she knows that what she’s doing is wrong.

no i liked it sometimes but a lot of the times it was stressful. [Stressful How?] well in the way that he tied me the fuck up like an animal and whipped and chained me repeatedly while i cried. i can’t tell them that. ~ well he would get angry and chase me around the house ~ that pretty much gets me the same desired effect. [So Because Of His Anger And “Chasing You Around The House” Your Sex Together Was Stressful - At Times] yes it was.... strained [You Are Going To Have To Elaborate] i was stressed thinking i was going to die when his hands were around my neck as he jack-rabbitted inside of me until he came like a 14 year old school boy ~ i couldn’t really become aroused all the time so when he would ask for sex i would either have to comply or make him angry - which as i mentioned, is stressful.

I think you get the point... only I would have to make it so that I’m using real testimony after the italics - it makes it more of a challenge to come up with the “rationalization”, but it makes it feel authentic.

I never did write that book. Following another explosive fight in early 2013, I broke it off with my abuser and began to realize my dream of living in New York City. My ex would be in my life for just another year.